it is raining somewhere else
я сосчитаю до шести и ты исчезнешь.
Being genderfluid is like riding waves at the beach. It’s wonderful when you can roll with it and ride it. It’s an awful choking, out of control, I can’t breath sensation when the wave dumps you. Fluid is very evocative of what it actually feels like.
Genderfluid differs from bigender and trigender, in that the gender identity shifts by itself, the individual having limited control (or zero control) over the shifts.
My gender fluidity usually rolls between androgynous female (primary) and androgynous male (usually a temporary shift). The resulting changes in my look are subtle, but the distress or exhilaration I feel is no less for the subtlety of that difference.
Only my gender changes. My personality remains essentially the same. My friends can’t seem to tell that my gender has changed inside. They can only tell when I change my gender expression, or when I get a dysphoria episode because the wave has dumped me.
Gender identity and gender dysphoria seems to break up into three parts, which are each affected in different ways by my fluidity:
Social dysphoria - The need to be identified, accepted and included as the gender you experience yourself to be. Names and pronouns and other signs of gender acceptance.
Body dysphoria - The need for your body to reflect the gender you experience yourself to be.
Gender expression - The need to express yourself in clothing, image, behaviour, movement and conversation, in a way that is congruent with the gender you experience yourself to be.
The stationary part of my gender identity is primarily defined by social dysphoria, I need to be accepted as female. I need to be called Naomi, “she”, recognised, included and accepted as a woman, regardless of what I wear.
The fluid portion of my gender identity is primarily defined by gender expression. At times I feel a need to wear male clothes. Sometimes this fluidity clears my social dysphoria for a few hours, so I don’t mind being seen as male … temporarily.
Other times, my fluidity pushes me to wear male clothes without altering my need to be gendered female, which places me at risk of triggering my social dysphoria if people then gender me male because of what I am wearing. That can be unbearable. There are rare times that wearing women’s clothing feels AWFUL, but I wear them anyway because getting gendered male feels WORSE.
There are times I can’t wait to get home and get the damned clothes off.
Ways I’ve learned to manage my gender fluidity:
Pay attention to my emotional responses when choosing what I am going to wear for the day.
If I’m concerned that I could have trouble, carrying a tank top with me to change into. An androgynous tank top always feels right, regardless of where my gender fluidity takes me.
Collecting tops that get me gendered female, but feel like an androgynous male expression to me.
Learning how to trigger my gender fluidity, to let out “the male in me” in circumstances where I am emotionally safe.
Learning other kinds of male expression, aside from clothing, to help me express male gender while still getting gendered female.

I have a dream, one day, to be consistently gendered female while wearing menswear. That will allow me to vary gender expression to match my genderfluid mood, without risk of upsetting my social dysphoria.
PS. My body dysphoria is fluid also, but it’s fluidity runs separately to the others.
eg. I have waves of delighting in or hating my growing breasts. I am gradually learning to view them with equanimity, simply as a means to an end for helping my social dysphoria.

source

@настроение: а если в это всё ещё врывается агендерность иногда?...